Anxiety

Anxiety

I walk into a room, well postured and expressionless.
I absently glance at the others quickly swarming in here along with me.
Most people won’t notice this but my pulse begins to beat hysterically.
It starts with the brush of a hand, a bump of an arm.
I become launched into a panic; yet my face still remains cool, composed, uninterested.
Oh, it’s almost painful how deceiving looks can be.

I can feel the sweet chemical pumping through my veins, assaulting my senses – Adrenaline.
The urge to flee becomes unbearable but I stand firmly planting my feet on the ground.
I look around seemingly disinterested at the groups of laughing students, absently looking for an escape.
My sporadic heartbeats are becoming so desperate.
I begin to apply pressure to my aching heart, it’s getting worse.
It’s to the point where I can’t look disinterested anymore, my facial expression changes to annoyance.

My determination has paid off and I’ve reached where I had wanted to go.
They begin to ask me questions.
At first my voice is quite, meek even.
As I begin to talk my voice becomes stronger, more empowered.
When I’ve finished I walk out with an air of confidence, my heart begins to slow down.
I wipe my palms, glistening with a light coating of sweat, on my black pants.

Then paranoia kicks in, is everyone looking at me?
I walk slowly almost painfully so.
Never act differently, never be suspicious, never, never, never.
I’ve learned to listen to this voice, it’s my constant.
And so I do, I listen, just like I’ve always listened.
Until I’ve reached the safe point, an area of familiarity.

I sit down with a smile on my face, I feel sick to my stomach.
I greet everyone nonchalantly, like I normally would.
Snide remarks usually follow and arrogance as well.
My facial expression changes to one that almost seeps unbreakable strength.
I’m strong, I have to be but I just don’t know who it’s for or why yet.
The voice snickers in my ear, its voice venomous – ‘It didn’t kill you did it?’